i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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