i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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