Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
