I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
