I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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