You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
