Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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