I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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