Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
