the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
