sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
