Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
