I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
