dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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