Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
