Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
