I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
