i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
