I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
