Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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