So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
