I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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