Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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