Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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