shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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