Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
