omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
