I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
