dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
