my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
