omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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