your parents love me but you hate me
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
