but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize