He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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