at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
