I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I checked into jail on foursquare
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
