sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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