when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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