I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
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