I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
