I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I looked at my own cervix.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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