true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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