my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
