My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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