did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
where are you?
Hypothermia
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
