Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
