u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
