I cockslap morals
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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