My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
