I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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