things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
